Dear world, I was not ready for that...

 

They say everyone has a story. I’ve just never had the space to tell mine, until now.

Hey everyone, I’m Sudha, and this blog page has become my new friend these days.

Some of you know me, and some of you don’t. But here, I want to share a side of me that I usually can’t express in the outside world, or maybe, we can say, Dear world, you never really allowed me to.

Have you ever been in a room full of people and still felt invisible? Well, whenever I’m in a group, or even in one-on-one conversations, I feel the same. I often find myself speaking less. I feel people these days are so consumed with themselves that they barely give others the space to speak. And on the rare occasion, I try to open up, I get interrupted, and someone else jumps in with their story.

At first, this really annoyed me. But eventually, I made peace with it.

I stopped listening to those people too.

And slowly, I realized they were never really friends, they just needed ears to hear their stories. They never noticed when I stopped being around, because they quickly found other ears to listen to them.

And honestly? That’s okay now. because that's the reality, Everyone needs someone who listens to them. 

Just like all of you, I also keep wondering Who am I, really?

When I think about myself, I often feel misunderstood. There's a huge gap between how I perceive myself and how the world sees me. And that makes me wonder, am I being real to myself?

Time and again, I ask: Who is the real me?

The one others see?

The one I believe I am?

Or the one I am still becoming?

When these different versions of myself don’t align, I begin to wonder: Do I truly know who I am? Am I genuinely self-aware?

Every single day, I’ve been investing so much effort into becoming more self-aware, reflecting, letting go, and choosing discomfort over convenience. I’ve walked away from friendships, made difficult decisions, distanced myself from my loved ones… and in the process, maybe even hurt people without meaning to.

And yet, a quiet fear lingers within me:

Am I really coming closer to myself? Or am I slowly drifting away from who I truly am?

I remember that PMDL session when Shiva asked us to write what are our needs and wishes. Among all my lists, the most important one I wrote was:

To be more self-aware.

For me, this journey was never just professional, it was always personal. It’s never been a path of just doing, but of becoming, becoming someone who knows herself, embraces her flaws, and lives with soul and sincerity

After graduation, I moved to a new city for the fellowship. I started doing everything on my own, from buying groceries to managing emotions and relationships. The tasks weren’t hard. But I didn’t know how to handle myself while doing them.

• How do I say no without guilt?
• How do I cope when someone lies to me, despite my trust?
• How do I protect myself when I’m vulnerable?
• How do I express what I feel, after being judged so many times?
• And most importantly, how do I handle loneliness, the craving for connection, and the fear of being used again?

I struggled. I ran away from my feelings. I isolated myself.

I went from being the cheerful girl who laughed easily and found joy in small things,

to someone quiet, cautious, distant.

This version of me has fears but calls them learnings.

She doesn’t justify herself anymore. She sets boundaries. She avoids red flags.

She no longer expects much from others.

But… what now?

Dear world,

I was not ready for that.

Or.… you didn’t prepare me for that.

But maybe, just maybe, this is me preparing myself.